Slowly and yet gradually turning into someone I am not.....
Gone were the days where my life and world practically revolves around my family and ONLY them! Nothing else!
Their expectations; their needs; their well being; their happiness.... Would daddy be happy with my exam results? Can I help the family save money? Would I have enough money to send my brother overseas? Am I carrying out my responsibilities well? Do I need to do better?
And yet each time I fail to realize that each sacrifice I make takes a toll on my wellbeing and happiness. Spent half my lifetime trying to please the parent and playing the role of the lost one. It was never an option but more of an obligation as well as the expectation.
Right until that very day where it all fell apart.... I did my very best to fill up the missing space for the little one but yet failed miserably. Tried to protect him but ended spoiling him. Tried to save money for his future but almost "killed" myself in the process by overloading.
Reliance was never something I considered. I was too independent and refuse to rely on anyone but myself. Dad learnt his lesson when he was left all alone to bring us up.
It never actually crossed my mind that one day in the future, the mental strength that I've accumulated diligently over the years would eventually fall apart. I lost touch of my old self: - the once cheerful, chirpy and optimistic girl.
Maybe and just maybe I need something or someone to make sure my base is fundamentally intact. Is it about time I let go of the past, learn to trust and perhaps be ready to be committed?
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