Which of the following three is your cup of tea? :)

a) Crystal clear
b) Translucent
c) Opaque

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(a) speaks their mind openly with minimal constraint
(b) expresses their thoughts as and when the need arises
(c) conveys when prompted

Sometimes I wish I understood. So stubborn and persistent. Must it always be crystal clear before I'm willing to let go? Other times, I just feel like giving up completely only because I am tired and fed up. And it is times like this that I end up telling my all to others. My dreams, my problems, my hopes, my sorrows, my history.... naturally building an invisible "wall" in between .....
Sense a slow divertion in the heart.... but yet the other is too deep to be detached anytime soon.
It should have been this way long long time ago .... Painstaking but less of an impact.

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Well aware that I made a few colleagues/ friends worried this week but be rest assured that I am back on track and back to how I used to be.
Forgive and forget.... :)

This is how my Friday night and weekends should be like............

Friday night: Dinner and drinks with colleagues. Talked to a colleague on the phone for 1.5 hours (honestly don't remember all the things we talked about that stretched on for that long but definitely managed to solve my dilemma and cleared some doubts ....)

It's not easy when people or rather when I myself start questioning my own decision.... The very decision I made 6 months ago. That's when a third parties' opinion matters... One who has been there and done that.
Another addition to that long list of people who wants me to stay but will eventually support my decision regardless.

Sat: Slept in until 2pm.... Sent the kid to Library... Watch some dramas.... Out with family for dinner and some shopping .... Movie and supper with colleague thereafter... talked on the phone for an hour AGAIN(more specific to the perplexity of my personal life this time round)!

Sunday: Brunch with college mates.....

tea time with uni mates.... took their Golf GTI for a drive on Sprint. Felt really good XD
Dinner with bro
and it's about time I pick up this old hobby of mine....?

Breaking point..... A close call........

The pain and frustration was almost too much to handle....

But 3 machas made good use of their ears and effort. They managed to drag me back to sanity; I was dragged by the hand out from work area by force and the truth was forced out of me; the others were by way of listening and responding ............
Batch mates picked the right time and I managed to catch a breath of fresh air... One of them even gave me a much needed hug :)

• Disappointed that something didn't quite work out the way I wanted it to be ..... the expectations set were too high, hence, the greater the disappointment. I refuse to be the one continuously pushing for possibilities for it's too tiring and confusing at the same time;
  

• Trouble at work ........ I don't need an enemy; I could do with more cooperation, courtesy, understanding and respect for one another; Who exactly is trustworthy and reliable? Who would be the first on your list when in need of help?
  

• Badly in need of a break/ time to myself/ proper sleep/ family time/ someone to trust and rely on ...... and the list goes on.
  

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About time I learn how to place my trust in my colleagues.................

They have one enemy in common ----> ME!

Reason: They opt for a JY who is less stubborn, less stressed up, less of a workaholic and not push herself too hard.

Generally feeling better after ranting out to them and reassured that they'll ALWAYS ALWAYS cover my back when the tough gets going provided I do not kill myself in the process.... :)

But only to have the frustration escalate right after that ....

Exactly how am I gonna leave them this coming July?

Good but is it enough?

seems reassuring but yet somewhat ambiguous.....

The confusion never left and neither did it decrease....

but it's probably the one and only motivating factor left....

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The team is slowly falling apart especially the core.....

Demotivated, exhausted and clearly fed up with the rush and never ending long hours

though we feel like giving up every other day, at least we can always trust one or the other to lend a helping hand
and cover for the other when the need arises.

I could do with more sleep, a less emo/easily agitated me, a massage, a "shoulder" to lean on and a hug :(

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I miss my housemates and friends..... :( So badly wanna vent out but yet nobody is prepared to listen.....
And even if they are, they are in another country and I do not get timely feedback :(
Honestly tried to complain to someone but was sadly ignored quite a number of times before I was even close to starting....

Always the listener but never the one who complains..... That's me alright.

So the best thing to do now .... is Shut Up and keep it all inside until it overflows .... Won't be a pretty picture but it's not for the rest of the world to know when or even see.

All thanks to my boss, the current gossip in office at the moment is that I have a new bf.
And I truly believe that I'm really silly.... Statement of fact!

Just another Monday ................

A sms came in on the way back from work which insists that I reply that very msg once I reach home to reassure him that I am back home safely .....

Upon reaching home after a long day at work, I found the lil kid looking all forlorn and teary in the eye. He has clearly been crying for the past few hours while waiting for his older sister to return home from work. I knew this day would come but didn't expect it to be this soon. The kid was clearly in pain and hurting inside from the realization and guilt that will probably haunt him for years to come. As painful as it may seem, this is only and best way to make him grow and mature.

Told me that he realised that Dad suffered a lot the past few years (to which I already knew) but just unsure of the extent. It was until he told the specifics that tears finally started falling. Both of us miss her really badly and cried in silence for a few minutes. Not the first time it happened but it's the strength we needed to regain which pulled us through the past 11 years.

And above all that, I needed to be the strong one. The determined and steady one who needs to stay focus and guide the kid along the way until he matures and ventures out into the world. Did a pretty decent job in the past but slowly beginning to fall apart from the weight of the world.

My long working hours and job is wearing me out. Not physically exhausted but mentally and emotionally. The little one needs someone at home to listen and guide him. The need to perform as expected at work (it came in a package with the WOW award I won at work). Plus, the need and longing desire for me to breakfree from all these and finally seek the things that I want to achieve in life.

Colleague was clearly worried by now that I've not replied his msg. Told him I have some issues to settle and I am back home safely. He replied: "I think I know what its about. Just take care."
To which I replied:"So sorry I can't tell u much!"
And to which he replied:"No worries. Just telling you that I'm here if u need me :)"

And to this very day, these are the people that make my life all that worthwhile and colourful. No matter how dull one side may be, I always have them to add some colours to it.

The friends also made me realise things or details that I may have overlooked more often that not. Knocked some sense into my head on Sunday night that I should stop hoping for miracles and instead make them happen. Uncertainty clearly exist right before my eyes but yet I was blinded by hope and a wish that maybe and just MAYBE a miracle will happen. It was already a race against time and opportunities do not wait for people. That was when I made up my mind that I am gonna leave....

Where to go from here.......?

Decisions .... Decisions.... Decisions.....

A friend told me on Thursday to

just go with the flow .... I should not be affected by the littlest thing and learn how to be firm about my decision

and also said "Please find someone who will look after you well and cares about you more than himself
for u are completely hopeless when it comes to taking care of yourself. I'm afraid u might just "kill" yourself one day."

*Ouch!* But sadly the truth.....

Clearly a champion when it comes to caring for others but a big time loser when it comes to myself.

The past, the uncertainties, the ignorance, the greed, the ambition, the expectations...........

It's about time I learn how to let go and manage them well for it's slowly eating me up.

Stayed up another night in office...... :( but on a voluntary basis. Couldn't get myself to leave when my colleague/ friend decided to pull an all nighter. Only because he is a close friend.
Dad is clearly not too happy about!

And my engagement partner is awfully kepo! LOL! Worst part is he reads ppl well and he noticed something that is best left unnoticed.
But oh well......

The road ahead

True friends amongst my colleagues..............

A gentle reminder once in a while that I am being too harsh on myself more often than not......

Honest and sincere advice that show that they really do care.....

And I can trust them to give me a good scolding each time I become weak and vulnerable or even when I think way too much :)

One immediately came to my defense just recently when I was caught offguard and particularly vulnerable at the same time. Not exactly the best combination ever but they came to my rescue at the right time. One acted upon intuition upon seeing my pale expression (both of them said I turned pucat almost immediately) while the other comforted me thereafter.

Despite the long working hours for the past 3 months, both of them are probably the ones that kept me afloat all these while at work since the close ones are all overseas at the moment. Funnily enough, they are both younger than me- one who is exactly like my younger bro and equally annoying while the other can really nag. hahahaha. And no doubt they'll know all my dirty little secrets at work ..... :p

Onto whether I've finally made a decision to stay or leave in a few months time....
it entirely depends on whether it is one sided (to which I believe it is) or the feeling is
mutual. For now, the signs are unclear and I am on a road full of uncertainty. Really impatient but awfully defensive at the same time.

Hopefully by the end of this month, I'll reach an intersection where the roads are visibly clearer and I would have made up my mind by then. It's gonna be hard to leave with unsettled feelings.

It's a race against time.......... One month is too short a time for me to get the full picture but yet I need to make up my mind real soon.

The change and perhaps a new beginning?

Slowly and yet gradually turning into someone I am not.....

Gone were the days where my life and world practically revolves around my family and ONLY them! Nothing else!

Their expectations; their needs; their well being; their happiness.... Would daddy be happy with my exam results? Can I help the family save money? Would I have enough money to send my brother overseas? Am I carrying out my responsibilities well? Do I need to do better?

And yet each time I fail to realize that each sacrifice I make takes a toll on my wellbeing and happiness. Spent half my lifetime trying to please the parent and playing the role of the lost one. It was never an option but more of an obligation as well as the expectation.

Right until that very day where it all fell apart.... I did my very best to fill up the missing space for the little one but yet failed miserably. Tried to protect him but ended spoiling him. Tried to save money for his future but almost "killed" myself in the process by overloading.

Reliance was never something I considered. I was too independent and refuse to rely on anyone but myself. Dad learnt his lesson when he was left all alone to bring us up.

It never actually crossed my mind that one day in the future, the mental strength that I've accumulated diligently over the years would eventually fall apart. I lost touch of my old self: - the once cheerful, chirpy and optimistic girl.
Maybe and just maybe I need something or someone to make sure my base is fundamentally intact. Is it about time I let go of the past, learn to trust and perhaps be ready to be committed?