Utter Depression

no idea why... but my mood has been fluctuating a lot lately... just noticed i put on 5kg during the one month break and now it's freaking hard to shake it off...

Been trying to diet and exercise but it's really not helping much... did push it down by 2 kg or so but still it is really depressing... I feel so fat, stupid, useless and obese!!!

Finals are over

God knows how bored I am these days....

Our finals are officially over and the group of frens i came with are all back in KL!!! I am so tempted to buy a plane ticket back and never come back here. But u and I know that is kinda impossible...

I started looking for a job since last thurs (today is monday) and yet no one called me up to employ me. Sigh Sigh... sad case la. I might just be unemployed this holz. And in addition to that, rot like nobody's business.

I could drown myself in korean drama or jap dramas but quite unlikely after my internet exceeded its limit last month. And it took ONE HOUR just to load a youtube video. Imagine that? And i tot streamyx Malaysia sucks. At least they don't have a limit in term of the size of ur downloads. My faults actually for watching 4 dramas in less than a week.

Fortunately, the internet resets itself on the 25th so here i am rocking. Started watching a new drama again right after my PBL exam ended. haha. And definitely the best korean drama i've watched in my entire life.

Name? HONG GIL DONG!!! Thumbs up to the entire cast for making it such a fatabulous series. Kang Ji Hwan is definitely one hell of an actor and surprising Sung Yu Ri too. I am now crazy over Kang Ji hwan and Jang Geun Suk.

Kang Ji Hwan for his amazing acting skills and charming smile. He is 32 btw. I'll get over him soon but not anytime soon of course. Jang Geun Suk who is 21 for his pretty boy face.

The storyline and acting was perfect in HONG GIL DONG. I was laughing throughout the series and also crying away especially in those parts where Kang Ji Hwan and Sung Yu Ri are both crying. I can't help but cry too....

I think i cried in these few scenes:

• HGD hit Yi Nok in the back that made her unconscious to avoid her from getting hurt
  
• HGD got shot by an arrow and Yi Nok was looking frantically for him
  
• Yi Nok was crying when she got drunk and Gil Dong was actually nearby
• HGD's dad was poisoned to death
• Yi Nok accidentally stabbed Gil Dong and fainted
  
• When HGD and Yi Nok separated and he hugged her with both of them crying
• The ending!!! where there were fire arrows ....
  

Although i hoped for a better ending but it was probably the most appropriate ending for this drama. Such a beautiful love story....

My sorrows

Yup... I came and left m'sia all in a blink of an eye.

I kinda think that probably not going back so often is better than going back frequently.

My reasons?

1. Plane ticket increased by rm 1,500 thanks to the soar in petrol prices to rm2.70 a litre.
2. I simply CAN"T handle the come and go situation

I thought that feb 20th 2008 would be the last day i'll ever cry at KLIA but I was really really wrong. When i left on the 8th of June 2008, I cried again but less than expected.

The main thing that triggered the crying was when i opened the door to my apartment. It was pitched dark and so quiet. So unlike my home sweet home in m'sia. It was never dark and quiet and there is always someone there to look out for me.

Here? My housemate is hardly around and loneliness is getting the better of me. Thank god kerry msged me that night i arrived in melb. She told me to get some sleep and thankfully i felt better after i woke up the next morning as i was busy studying for my exams but I can't hide from the subsequent days. As i writing this, it's kinda understood that I hate living alone without my family. Everyone says that living alone is so much better cos u get ur own freedom without having to worry about others but hell i wanna worry k?

It's like a jail here. Locked up in my room every night staring at myself and laptop crying my heart out thinking about my family and worrying about them every minute of my life and wondering what are they doing. I want my dad to nag me and my bro to bug me. I just need someone here who i can actually connect to and take care of or even better if taken care by.

Just my imagination

I was just trying to imagine my life in msia when i DO get back..... and this was what I came up with....

1) Transport

• I think these questions will be pretty frequently asked.
• "Daddy, Can u fetch me to....? PLz....?"
• "Hey chan/gene/lisa, erm... u free ar now? where are u ar? Can erm... i tumpang?"

2) Language

• Malay: "APA? I tak faham la!!! I from Melbourne, Australia? U boleh speak English?"
• Mandarin: " 什么? 我 的 华语veli bad! 讲english can?"

3) Weather

• "Waliao... Damn hot wei!!! Do u know Aus is not so hot? And the......."
• "jacket? No need la... Only in melbourne need"

4) Food

• Friend: "Eh! lets go TGI for lunch?"
• Jy: "TGI? Don want la... I want mamak or any asian shop pun boleh as long as they have asian food macam roti canai atau nasi lemak"

5) Movie

• JY: " Eh! Lets go watch 2 movies tmr1"
• Friend: "APA? 2 movies? U siao ke?"
• FACT: I AM NOT SIAO!!! A MOVIE FREAKING COST $14 here which is RM42... CAN U BLAME ME?
  

6) Yamcha

• JY:"Hey lets go yamcha la!!!"
• Friend: "Huh? AGAIN? SAME PLACE? Not sienz meh?"
• JY: " NEVER!!!"

FAT! FAT! and plain FAT!

Food i have been eating each week... And i HAVE no idea why I am still pilling on the pounds... Do let me know what u think...

1) Pasta (Bolognese/Carbonara)
2) Uncle Tobbys Antioxidant Plus Cereal
3) Coles Lite Milk(semi-skim)
4) Wholemeal Bread with jam and margarine
5) Pie
6) Indomee
7) Soup (Campbells)
8) Fish Fillet
9) Fried rice/ meehoon
10) Pancake with syrup
11) 3 apples, 4 oranges, 5 plums, 1kg banana, 1kg grapes each week
12) Marshmallow
13) 1 cup of Milo everyday with sweetened condensed milk

OKIE!!! fine I know.... I know they are all fattening but still ??? I didn't eat chocolate or snacks except for the marshmallow(it was on offer). And I've been eating tons of fruits.... Any suggestions people? Gotta push it down before 7th of June 2008. Sangat important!!!

I AM STUPID, LAZY, FAT AND TIRED!!!

People & Things I miss

HomoSapiens that I really miss

1. My family - dad, stepmom, bro and my relatives
2. My friends - pj, eugene, sarah, reshma, lisa
3. M2 - everyone
4. Colleagues - Haniff & Shazrul&Adam(admin), Patrick(IT), Sukhvinder& Sarjit& Suriati& Nurul(Customer Service), Suzana&Azira(Purchasing), Joseph(Driver), Fong Yee(Accounts), Kak Yam(Tea Lady)
5. My maid

Things

1. My CAR!!!
2. My bolster
3. My bed
4. My Toilet
5. My room
6. My radio
7. My everything la!!!

Places

1. One Utama
2. The Curve
3. Taman Tun Park/ Bukit Kiara hill
4. Mamak
5. My regular shops
6. Pasar Malam

Food

1. Roti Canai/Telur
2. Nasi lemak tambah sotong/rendang/ayam
3. char keoy teow
4. chicken rice
5. wanton mee
6. hokkien mee
7. roasted duck/ char siew/ siew yok
8. Nasi briyani
9. bak kut teh
10. Rojak
11. Popiah
12. Claypot rice
13. Curry laksa
14. Tomyam
15. Prawn mee

EMO & DEPRESSION

Gosh... I think this blog is designed to put up all my saddest post and express my feelings when i am down.

I thought the first week i arrived here in Melbourne would be the last time i cry but i guess not. Dad just reminded me that it's freaking expensive to send me here and it's hard to pass my course. Having said that, I just feel super guilty and upset siao... Cried like mad again after reminding myself about my....
OBLIGATION/ RESPONSIBILITY

• Save money
• Study hard and finish my degree in three years and not more
• Get distinction for most of my subjects (dad's wish= a MUST to fulfill for me)
• Work and earn money for my brother
• Take care of my dad

I feel that there is this huge burden that follows me everywhere i go... And its slowly sucking my energy and motivation. For the past 7 years and definitely more to come, I have been working hard to make sure i perform well as a sister, daughter and friend. But, sometimes i get really tired of life. Why am i so unlucky? I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if my mom was still around. Would it have been much better? Would i have less argument with my dad which i always end up in tears without fail? Would i be less stressed out ? Would i have suffered like what i am going through now?

I know I been through a lot and that has made me stronger emotionally and probably mentally. However, I have my limits as well and i tend to break down after a while and come back stronger and this just goes on. My heart aches when my dad or brother is upset and I will do whatever i can to protect and make them happy.....

Assignments... Tests... Tutorials...

Accounting reports and analysis assignment.... Introductory microeconomics assignment... the weekly quantitative methods 1 assignment (1% / 5%)... I know... such as waste of time of energy to do it but its still 1%....

Lectures and tutorials are just boring and the same goes to melbourne... This place is so dead after 6pm... Is it just melbourne or the whole Aus? BORING BORING ... bowling alleys super small- if oneu 's one is small, this is tiny; yamcha is too expensive plus not all the nice shops are open after 8pm to late; movie tickets which only rich dudes can afford; shopping malls? worse than subang parade. So tell me exactly how am i suppose to live her for the next erm... 2 and a half years when i am already damn bored in less than 2 months. *sigh*

Now seriously contemplating whether i have made the right decision or not. In terms of education i have no regrets but lifestylewise, DEFINITELY! Wonder how those in Clayton survive? or Sydney? Well, Sydney is more fun i think. And i wanted to go to Adelaide???

GOSH!!! I am so bored... waiting for my dad to skype me now... If he doesn't, I won't live until next week to see the daylight. *shows how attached i am to my family* haha. I can't wait to go back in june although its only three days.... left hmm... lets see... 53 days. haha.

Anyway, i gotta end here, stupid tutorial work still hanging halfway and i am not supposeto be blogging but i was super bored. Ta! Ta!

Melbourne

Been a while since i posted my last blog up. I had some problem with my account but now it's fine.

I still can't believe that I am actually in Melbourne and gonna be here for the next 3 years or so. At first, I was so excited and can't wait to come here but I was so wrong. From homesick to emo and depression, nothing i can say is exactly what i expected my life here would be. I remembered so clearly the first day i arrived here or should i say first week, I experienced bad homesick and i mean really BAD... not eating and crying all the time.

Although the second week was much better maybe due to the fact that it was orientation week and i was hardly home. But to be honest, I really wanna go home. Near my family and friends is where i really wanna be even though it is those ppl that are capable of hurting me the most. Furthermore, I HATE cleaning, cooking, washing up, and just basically having to do everything myself is just hard. I also hate buying groceries because they are so heavy and i always end up physically hurting myself. Just last week, i hurt my back and shoulder from carrying 4kg of rice, 2kg of cereal, 2 kg of pasta and so many other junks all home by myself. I was so upset and sad after reaching home as my body really hurts and it's really tiring and "sanfu" especially when i have to do it all alone.

I really miss my family and friends back home. I miss having ppl take care of me although it comes together with the nagging and lecturing. I miss smsing my friends everytime i am bored- the sms here cost $0.25=Rm0.75. I miss my msian food- roti canai, nasi lemak, chicken rice, rojak, teh tarik, char keoy teow, wanton mee, prawn mee, curry laksa, tomyam, kampung fried rice etc. The list can just go on so i better just stop. And here comes the worst part, when i am SICK!!! No doctors, no porridge, no one asking u how are u? feeling better? u want fish ball soup or porridge??? NO! NO! NO! I had to take panadol and sleep my sickness of and cook my own food and clean even though i feel so sucky. No one asking me "u ok? wanna see doctor? go sleep la... i will ask aunty lita to cook porridge for u. "

I really wish i can go home every 6 months. Unfortunately, due to the extremely high cost of a plane ticket, I can only afford to go back once a year which is only in dec. I really dunno how am i gonna take it... I am trying very hard to stay strong but once in a while i'll break down in tears and cry my heart out everytime i miss my family or get all worried when they don't skype me or when anyone is sick back home. I really hope i can hang on for the next three years or so before i go back home... GAMBATTE !!!